The Six Myths About Mourning

Do not confuse suffering with love, nor overcome pain by forgetting …

Margarita Rojas

When you lose someone, do you know what to do? No, right? This happens because from an early age they teach us how to behave in certain situations, how to get results, how to speak, but nobody teaches us what to do when someone leaves us and we find ourselves immersed in mourning.

Today we are talking about six false beliefs that have been instilled in us both by society and by the family to endure grief. Sound familiar, right?

1. “Nail crushes nail”

We have been taught that to overcome a loss we must replace it. For example, if our pet dies, we buy another one. So what are they teaching us?

Replacing someone will give us the  relief we seek in the face of pain. Does the expression “the sea is full of fish” sound to you? You’ve probably told someone, or others have told you, especially after a breakup. Does it give you relief when they tell you? Do you feel stronger?

We should never try to replace something we have cared about. Although there are other people who can become part of our life, it will not be the same. Why run away from our pain? Are we so weak that we can’t take it?

2. If you suffer, suffer alone

When someone cries he goes away; when we suffer we want to be alone. They taught us this. Never cry in public, repress your feelings!

In the face of mourning, if we want to cry, we do it in intimacy. Showing our emotions in public embarrasses us. Sadness has no company like happiness. This only shows us that sadness is not good, that it is not a desired emotion, but unwanted by others who feel uncomfortable in front of another sad person, because for us it is an emotion like any other, which it is impossible for us to avoid.

3. “Time heals everything”

Another belief they have instilled in us is that with the passage of time everything is forgotten and the pain disappears. We have to specify: it depends on the person and on what the person who left means to you.

The idea that “time heals everything” arises because with time one is no longer as sad as when the loss is recent. This does not imply that the pain is cured. A mother experiencing the loss of a child will probably never be able to heal the wound  caused. Years can pass and that pain will never find peace or healing. But yes, you will learn to live with that pain.

4. In a week everything will pass

Does mourning have a set time? Mourning is personal. For some it will last a week, for others months and for others years. To belittle it by saying that in a certain amount of time it will pass is cynical.

Let’s not forget that we have lost someone. The duration will depend on us and the affection we felt for that person. We will not get over grief when we want to, we will get over it when we are ready.

5. You have to get distracted

Distractions give us relief and heal us; this is what the myths say. On the other hand, keeping busy does not distract us, much less cure our wounds. We cannot fool our emotions. We can postpone our mourning, but not permanently close. Sooner or later it will appear again and even stronger.

Accept your pain, let it flow. Don’t try to distract yourself from what you are hearing. Accept it and feel it. You cannot reject something that is natural and that must irremediably happen. Even though you don’t want to, even though you rebel, even though you reject it, the pain will continue to be there.

6. Be strong!

Enduring and being strong are the two principles for not collapsing in the face of loss. Instead, those who follow these principles are the first to collapse. Because? Because he carries the pain within him, he wears a mask of integrity and strength, while he is sinking inside.

Here is the much feared weakness, the one that we do not want anyone to notice, but that everyone has experienced. Why can’t we show ourselves weak? Why this fictitious force that we don’t really have? We are not statues! We feel and suffer. Let’s put aside false appearances.

These are the six myths about grief we learn that mark our lives. Have you identified with any of these? For sure. We are constantly distracted from what hurts us, to be strong when in reality we are weak. We accept mourning and avoid these false myths that make us vulnerable. Pain does not weaken you, pain makes you aware of what you loved so much.