Before I Love You, I Love Me

Let me tell you that before I surrender to you, I need to surrender to myself,  to know my tortuosity and to go into the most silent and dark areas of my soul. I want to know all my secrets, know what makes me feel good and what makes me sick and investigate their why. I belong to that category of people who think that before saying “I love you”, one must know how to say “I love myself” to be correct with the other.

I need to know what my wounds are and where exactly is causing them to bleed again. Knowing my strengths and knowing what defines me more, what is my imprint, my strong point … and then, when the opportunity desires, give it to you with a smile. I prefer to love me first and then, in this way, to be able to love you well and in a healthy way. And, if you still doubt, don’t worry, when you finish reading this letter, you will understand everything I have to say to you.

When I didn’t know how to love myself

I began to understand how important it was to love me when I had forgotten how to do it.  Just when I was worse off and devoted myself to begging for love to others to feel good.

My false well-being depended on the approval of others and their state of mind.  If they decided to value me and give me some flattery, I thought I was happy; when they criticized or despised me, on the other hand, I considered myself a failure. Without knowing it, I had handed over the keys to my well-being to anyone, forgetting about myself.

I pushed myself to become what other people wanted and a total stranger to my eyes. I didn’t even know what I liked, where I wanted to go or what my dreams were, because I was told everything by others. I denied myself the opportunity to know myself,  although the truth was that I didn’t know it was possible.

One fine day I broke out, alone, but I did. At first I didn’t understand what was happening to me, I just felt sick and cried, but over time, I realized that it was a call for help to myself. From that moment on, I realized that I could not continue to be a person at half and at the expense of what others thought. I got tired of being who I was not so that others would be well and I began to discover myself little by little. I started loving myself.

I love myself like this, imperfect, but authentic

I suddenly became aware that I could be more independent than I imagined, that my opinion was also valid and that my eyes were beautiful. I loved realizing that I knew how to act without others giving me their consent (even if, believe me, it was difficult…).

I appreciated myself, I wondered how I was feeling and if the day was cloudy, I thought about how to get the sun out. I no longer needed others to tell me what I was worth because I, independently, was able to recognize it: if they criticized me or didn’t know how to do something, it wasn’t me that I doubted.

I have learned to love my flaws and have tried to improve them and to value my successes and my skills, and with that I have abandoned the obsessive thought of being perfect to please everyone. Now I love my imperfections because otherwise it would be like amputating a part of me.

Surely you are wondering what this has to do with the two of us, but you must know this because you will understand what my relationship with you could have been like when I wasn’t even betting on myself.  

If you did not love me, I would entrust to you the obligation to remind me who I am and to continually satiate my doubts about love and my distrust. You would be in charge of my state of mind or, at least I would see you this way and act accordingly. You should save me whenever my insecurities arise to question my worth.

It wouldn’t be healthy love, but our relationship would be an attempt to heal my wounds. This is not to say that when I am ill you should not bring me your warmth or offer me your arms as a refuge, but that it is not up to you to remind me every day who I am and how much I am worth so that I am well. It is my job.

I refuse to make you pay for the ghosts of my past. For this reason, I need time to love myself, to fix my fears and vulnerabilities and not drag them into harm. Because you do n’t have to free me or save me from my voids, you are not my savior.