Why Children Don’t Take “no” For An Answer
Children constantly test us, always trying to question the limits we impose on them. Following their insatiable desire to always deepen everything, they are never satisfied with a simple “no”. Challenging the rules and testing ourselves as parents or educators is a very stimulating challenge for them.
There is no doubt that maintaining the limits that have been set for children, enforcing their rules and discipline, is one of the most difficult activities for a parent to deal with. This is made even more complicated by the fact that the more we say “no” to our children, the more they will try to get what they want, trying to break down our defenses.
Why do children behave like this?
Children behave like this because they need to experiment and explore different ways to understand which is the most functional to achieving the goal. After all, we should be happy that they behave this way, since it is a form of nonconformity towards what they do not like or what they do not consider adequate.
It is normal that, being children, they do not actually have an exact concept of what is adequate or not, but in giving their interpretation they show character and determination, rather than mere submission.
This behavior of theirs is also a typical way of responding to parental weaknesses. If they have found weaknesses in the rules or a lack of consistency on the part of their educators, they will try to dig deep to escape the constraints. They behave, thanks to intuition, just like lawyers behave in the courts.
The key to keeping things in place is to be decisive and consistent, that is, knowing how to say that this is how it has been decided and so it will be, no ifs and buts. Thanks to consistency, the testing of limits is minimized, as children learn that the rules established verbally then find an effective correlation in reality.
Intermittent reinforcement for our children
Children whose parents lack firmness tend to constantly challenge the rules, with the hope of circumventing them. If children perceive that the rules are not always enforced, and that this depends on reasons dictated more by chance, they will try in every way to exploit this chance, insisting and persuading the adult until the rule falls.
Psychologists call this principle “intermittent reinforcement”. Think of a mouse approaching a table full of food. If the table patron does this at regular and predictable intervals, the mouse will know exactly when to move to get food.
If, on the other hand, the board is guarded at variable intervals, the mouse will not know when to approach.
With children and limits, it works more or less the same way. When the parental response in a given situation is inconsistent, this inconsistency will lead the children to insist on getting the response they want to hear. Thus, there is no better way to preserve a rule than to reinforce invariable reason, a concept many parents ignore.
The first step is to overcome the parent’s inconsistency
Parental inconsistency usually occurs for several reasons. One of the reasons for parental inconsistency may be a lack of understanding and attention to one’s role as an educator. Condition that prevents us from seeing that we are acting in a contradictory way. This makes the situation increasingly complicated, as parents are unable to understand their responsibilities and how influential they are.
Another reason that explains parental inconsistency is laziness or boredom towards that constancy that always acting consistently presupposes. This often leads to acting according to the moment and always in a different way. The children thus perceive the insecurity of their educators and leverage this, challenging their parents to the point of creating an unsustainable situation.
A further reason that explains the parent’s inconsistency is due to certain factors that are beyond his control. Perhaps because another adult who is managing the children at that time does not follow the rules imposed by the parent, creating an ideal opening for the child’s protests.
Final remarks
If as a father or mother you want your child to accept without replying “no” for an answer, what you have to do is establish clear rules, familiar to everyone, making the consequences clear. These must always be the same and proportionate: do not choose the first ones that come to mind, take some time to reflect on them. Finally, reiterate over time the concept that what is established must be done.
If the inconsistency is due to the fact that not all the people who find themselves managing your children are actually responsible, don’t despair. Make it clear to your child what will happen if they break the rules even when you are not with them. In this way, you will also empower him to educate irresponsible adults towards them.
If you take on the role of educators, whatever happens, your children will see you as a role model and follow your authority. If someone is not convinced of the way you impose authority, do not care, it is not your problem. You only have to worry about your child. Your duty is to educate him, without giving rise to those who do not respect you and without accepting vague and incoherent behavior.
